It has been my experience, that in love comes hurt. Love for anyone. Friends, Family, Significant Other, Work, Hobbies, TV, Books, Weather.. the list goes on and on.
Mostly I focused on the bad things about love. After all, after you fall in love, and then out... it's hard to ignore those feelings of "I should have done this" "Why didn't I" "What was I thinking"
I admit it. I fell in love with the idea of a relationship. All those thoughts of how things could be, and living that perfect life. Go to work, come home, have dinner, relax, drink some wine, have a little us time, and then go to bed and wake up and do it all over again. News flash people, this isn't the real world. In our real world we argued, slept in separate rooms, dealt with him lying and cheating, and oh yeah more lying and cheating. My point is, I used to dwell in the life of loving and hurting because of that love. And now, I'm In Love with the most amazing person.
Sure before I wallowed in self pity and doubt thinking I was never going to be good enough for anyone because of (insert a million reasons here). But the truth is, I needed to quit trying to measure up to everyone else standards, and let them try to live up to mine. I know it sounds bad when you say it out loud. . . but it's true. And as much as you are shaking your head right now, you know I'm right. Quit trying to be pretty and polite, fun and outgoing. Just be you. Cliche? Yes. Does it work? YES. It's not always easy, our instincts tell us to act a certain way around certain people. But you can be all of those things you want to be without loosing sight of who you are. I know, I did it.
After getting out of an ongoing repetitive relationship, I took a little me time. Whoa whoa stop the press!!! That's right, I did it. Young, Single, Old Enough to Drink.
And don't take single as equaling me sleeping around and having one night stands with people I met at a club. No. That didn't happen. My me time consisted of me enjoying life alone. Yes I went out with my friends and did the young 21 thing and got drunk and fell on my butt (or off a bar stool) a few times. Haha, it's what 21 is all about. But I also did a lot of self evaluating. What did I like? Not just in guys. But in general. What types of food did I like to eat? When Saturday came around after a long week at work, did I like to sleep in or get up and get out to run errands? Coffee? Tea? Bagel? Pizza? Veggies or not? Wine- Red or White? Neither? How do I want to spend my free time? Do I really like going to that restaurant? Me Me Me Me Me Me Me. That is what I did. And okay, yes I dated a few people. But that just helped me figure out more about what I like. Yes I was genuinely interested in the people I dated, and I did get to know them pretty well. But in the end, something didn't click. I like to be snuggled, and I like when a guy opens the door for me (yes including the car door even if we aren't going to dinner), I like when you know what I get from Chipotle, and when we rent a movie lets get two, an action one and a chick flick, I like to spend some weekends in bed (the kind where we only get up to eat), and I like listening to sappy love music because I like to sing along not because I'm in love with you, and hot cheetos-they are my number one most favorite thing to eat in the world, literally I can eat them for breakfast/lunch/dinner you name it. It's not a check list that they had to meet, but some of these things weren't okay with them, and too many changes can really be a deal breaker. But I made a lot of good friends along the way.
Love, I love myself. A good friend once said, "Kristen, one day you are going to wake up and realize you love yourself more than you love him, more than you loved your relationship. You're gong to wake up and say, I love myself." And I did. And I still do. It's not always easy. I make some pretty dumb decisions sometimes, that really hurt. But at the end of the day, I have myself to count on always.
And on June 10, 2010, I made one of the best decisions I will ever make in my life time, I committed to Bryan. Made it official. I had a boyfriend. Something I didn't think was going to happen again for a long time. And then on July 27th, I made the best decision I've made in my life thus far. I asked him to marry me.
Loving myself first, has allowed me to love the most amazing man I'll ever have the pleasure of knowing. I love him with all my heart, and I am so in love with him. So yes, love hurts and is painful. But without the pain of what I've loved and lost in my life, I wouldn't have found the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. So I love him, and I love me and I love, love.
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